The One Where I’m Walking in the Amazon with Angelina Jolie

So, the title would suggest something sexy, something adventurous a-la Lara Croft. Unfortunately not, it’s all too mundane.

I’m looking down at the Amazon river from what seems like a mile up and can see the ocean and the river estuary in the distance. Obviously, from this height, that coast could be miles away. I slowly sweep down, like an opening shot in some Hollywood film and eventually land at the riverside, where I become part of a group of people lugging backpacks full of some sort of kit, although I don’t know exactly what sort of kit.

We can see which way the river is flowing and we’re following it, hugging the shoreline as we navigate our way towards the coast with our heavy loads. Then we round a tight bend in the river and it’s suddenly dry. The entire riverbed is as dry as a desert although there a few outcroppings of vegetation here and there, like persistent weeds on a garden path. Even though the river is now dry, we continue to hug the shoreline and I put forward the suggestion that we could just walk along the riverbed, making the whole experience easier. The woman in front of me shouts that it’s a stupid idea and that we’d all either drown or be eaten by piranhas or crocodiles if we did as I said. Although she doesn’t turn around, I know instantly that she is, for some reason, Angelina Jolie, probably on her way home from trying to adopt an Amazonian baby or something equally as humanitarian.

Anyway, we struggle on and I get more and more annoyed at this insistence that we stay off the riverbed. Eventually I give in and jump down the dry riverbank and start walking along the riverbed. I announce that it’s perfectly safe and that it would make more sense to make the journey this way. However, my suggestion is met with more oppostion from the Jolie woman, who shouts at me to get back on the shore before I soak the kit. Obviously I don’t understand why she’s being like this so just ignore her and eventually end up overtaking her. I say something, although I can’t remember what, that is, in equal measure, witty and childish. Whatever I say, it royally pisses off Jolie and she shouts her face off at me until I wake up.

Is this what it’s come to? I have a dream involving Angelina Jolie and it involves neither fine wine, silk sheets, or a Dad’s Army DVD box set. Instead, I’m heaving half a ton of god knows what through South America and being shouted at by her ‘cos she’s convinced a dry riverbed is actually a raging torrent. Stupid bloody cow.